When the mind shuts down.....

Thoughticus Accumalotis

Mini note pages accumulate when all one does is jot and put them aside, with tons of intent on expanding all those individual thoughts.  The act of admonishment shall begin when I find myself in front of a mirror, as that is where we'll discover the birth of most fault. 
My notes consist of random thoughts that most of us think about and, in forgetting to write them, they are lost.  Some are what I would have enjoyed if Andy Rooney had explored and expanded on them.  The others?  YOU decide..................................
Without further ado, or is it further I didn't?

Separated at birth #1: On-field baseball commentator Ken Rosenthal and Pee Wee Herman
                                #2: Bosox pitcher Alfredo Aceves and Actor Tommy Lee Jones
                                #3: Bosox pitcher John Lester and any EWOK
                                #4: Dave Letterman and sports talk show host Bruce Drennan

Achieve happiness by giving---neither expecting nor demanding same

You never know---until you find out

Baseball is the only sport wherein umpires have the ability to walk on water.  Their 1st commandment being, "Thou shalt NOT question me."  I wonder how they can position themselves between the batter and the catcher and successfully see the outside edge of home plate.  Have you noticed that they often are on the opposite side of the runner when a steal is attempted and are able to "see" if a tag is made or not?  Hmmm

TeeVee commercials are introducing new, improved drugs, telling us to take it if "such and such" drug isn't working.  I wonder if they have new, improved side effects.  I also "like" the new vitamins for kids who won't eat real food.  Does mommy give dressed up princess just the vitamin?  My children had supplemental vitamins...not replacements!

Great read for summer...or any other time: Wayne Dyer's, "Gifts from Eykis"

If a clock used hay bales instead of numerals, would you call it "Hour Fodder?"

Chugging Vernor's Ginger Ale is not an easy task

C'mon...can Shaq O'Neal really drive that Buick???

When someone says, "Have good one"...are we expected to know what it means???

Will the marketing geniasses ever realize that the incessant drumming during commercials and other announcements is about as captivating as a bucket of spit

Speaking of spit, I lie awake wondering how much is generated during a baseball game

The longer you're in solitary confinement, the less likely you'll run into someone you know

And, as Carmen says.................CIAO!

Wednesday is not Monday

             

For those of you in the unemployment lines...there's GOTTA be an opening for film and fashion critics.  Hurry and apply NOW! 1. History has proven to me that if I viewed a movie that got "panned," I liked it a lot.  I'm sure many of you might feel the same...so, go for it! 2. I'm not one for perusing the local rag's entertainment section, officially named, "Style & Fashion," but since rain has been falling all day, I gave it a shot.  Yikes!  Of the Oscars' Red Carpet, the critic-ette penned, "No, my shallow darlings, the topic du jour on morning gab fests, quasi-news shows and the endless maw that is the blogosphere was Anne Hathaway's pink Prada dress and its placement of two darts-prominent little tentlike protrusions that, in the mind of many a critic, too closely resembled nipples."  I'm so glad she cleared THAT up for me.  Incidentally, the photo of the aforementioned's article makes her appear to be maybe 9 or 10, so, there's room for improvement.  Hopefully a lot---and soon.  She then continued on, telling us what all the other "experts" called the darts on Anne's dress.  I'd like to read one of her "What I did on summer vacation" reports. Obviously, I was misinformed on the Pope's retirement.  A week ago, it was thought that his excellency had hit the Irish Sweepstakes and left town.  As of this morning, there are more distinct facts mentioned, although I doubt we'll ever know the whole truth and nothing but the truth.  So be it.  According to what I've read and heard, the last time a pope said, "Sono fuori di qua" ("I'm outta here!") was in 1415, even prior to the birth of Chris Columbus.  Benedict XVI was quite the corporate man though, as witnessed by his submission of a 2 week notice.  Wotta guy, huh?  Although, I wonder if they made him sign a non-compete clause.                                                                                               Onward, Christian Soldiers!

Hoopdee "Dupe" and other observances

From today's paper:  "The Energy Department says U.S. households spent an average of $2,912.00 on gasoline, or almost 4 percent of their pretax income, the highest percentage in 30 years."  ON WHAT PLANET?!?  Using the Energy Department's 4%, that $2912 translates to a pretax income of $72,800.  There are no absolute income numbers published that I could find for 2012.  The most current I located was for 2006, which listed approximately 68 million households had less than $58,000 for pretax income.  I'm going to let some other financial whiz extrapolate for current year percentages.  In essence, many households are below $72,000 annual income, thereby increasing the gasoline outlay above 4%.  Proof again that numbers can be made to say whatever the accountants wish them to say. Car commercials 1:  Subaru shows a mom who's very proud of her safety conscious son.  While son is driving with a friend, son is not lured into doing stupid stuff.  Preparing to turn into the driveway, the camera shows a dry, sunny street.  The camera in the yard shows everything as being wet.  Son exits the car and the scene is once again sunny.  (I don't do drugs). Car commercials 2:  The northeast Ohio Ford commercial shows many vehicles with a distorted Ohio license plate, but, wearing my Polish CSI cap, I determined the plate to read, 6NX 9704.  Question?  Why distort the number and why is the same plate on different vehicles, while other cars and truck have no plate at all? TeePee commercial:  When are we going to see the blue bears actually USING the toilet paper?!? GACK-OH:  What the #!+*! is up with the lizard and now a pig selling insurance?!? My favorite TV ad disclaimer at the screen's bottom on a Progressive Insurance ad..."Prices vary based on how you buy."  REELEE? Separated at birth:  Atlanta Falcons coach Mike Smith and comic Steve Martin Who exchanged the very 1st email?  Who was YOUR first? Off to the next mystery: seeking the forest where man and wife sit in dual bath tubs...

NIGHT BEFORE CRISSMUSS IN WARSAW

Vos da nite before Crissmuss in my Polish howse.  I sneke downda stairs, yoost quiet like a mowse.

Da whole rest of famlee in bed all asleep, while visions of nut rolls trew heads of dem creep.

Wurk sox Mama hung by chimley with care, in hopes dat St. Stosh soon vill be dair.

While over in korner is silly to see, dumplings and kielbassa hang frum da tree.

Denn comes diss big bang making howse start ta shudder, an sum nut lands onna roof an breaks da rain gutter.

He wiggle downa chimley and swears cuz its tight.  I hides behind 12 packs way outta site.

He lands inna fireplace, skorching white hair, on bustid up bowling pin still burning dair.

He climbs out an I peaks to get good look.  Yoost like pichers in mine histree book.

He gots vodka glazed eyes an stummick like bubble, with 5 days old beard and soot onna stubble.

Wearing biggist tennis shoes I ever saw, he lost alla da buttins off his old Mackinaw.

He won't ketch kold, Polish Santa's no dope, cuz tying coat tagedder is old peece of rope.

I tries not ta laff but give a few snikkers, when I sees da big patch onna seat of his knickers.

Diss is shure Polish Santa I knows widdout fear, cuz he heads for da kichfin and opinz warm beer.

When finished wit 6 pak, he give a big smirk, reechiz inta potato sack an goes rite ta wurk.

Now, under da tree he is startin to set, most byooteeful prezzints a Polack kin get.

Dairs new bred baskit an shuvvil fer brudder, a bright red babooshka an pick-ax fer mudder.

6 quartz vodka to make papa gay.  Oy, might be big trubble in our howse to pay.

For baby I know he ain't missed her, when I sees pretty things he leaves for my sister.

Won't she be happy troo da spring anna summer, witt pipe rench an plunger, so she can play plumber.

Denn bote my eyes brighten an heart fills witt glee, wen I sees tings Polish Santa leaves ME.

Dairs wurk gloves and sledge hamnmer, my faverit tool, to wurk hard for boss when I flunks outta skule.

Witt new thermos jug, cabbage supe cannot spill, when I carries lunch onna way to stele mill.

He chugs 5 more beers an makes a wide grin.  I kin see ware da foam runs offa his chin.

Giving some burps, up da chimley he rose, while I quickly got inta alla my clothes.

I must see him leave, so's I rushes outside, an looks toward da roof, while in bushes I hide.

An what does I see as I looks troo da twigs, rusty old garbage cart pulled by 8 stinky pigs.

Polish Santa jumps in an gives dem a yell.  Come on alla youse, don't yoost sit dair an smell.

On Stella, on Stanley, on Walter an Joe, an alla youse whose names I don't know.

Fly over da junk yard an turn ta da right.  Let's visit all peeples before I gets tight.

Den I heard him say as he flew over me, "I'm da only old Polack who gives things for free!"

copyright 12-15-85 Bob Jaskolka

Got Milk?

Nope!

Hey Buddy, "Kudzu Paradigm?"

An idle coal truck on Upper Second Creek Road, just outside of Hazard, Kentucky

Covered in Kudzu.  Paradigm Shift = Work truck but No work for truck

Black Friday is history.  Many stores continue their sales in hopes of a successful year.  I'm now treating that hectic shopping fiasco as I do New Year's Eve and St. Patrick's Day...I stay home.

I just double-checked the local newspaper from the past few days.  Thursday, in addition to the stuff till you puff day of Thanksgiving, was anniversary No. 49 of JFK's assassination.  No mention of it.  Perhaps "they" forgot/moved on/stopped caring.

In any event, you may now spin the old radio dial and officially start your holiday spirit by listening to the repeated playing of the same 20-some songs until you consider a self-inflicted round of water boarding.  2 years back, I contacted the local FM's Program Manager about there being many more tunes available.  His response is permanently filed under, "Canned answers containing zero sense"

                                                                      ***********

Near Lake Erie, the temperature is a "torrid 31", with a slight breeze and a bit of snow flurries.  Somewhere, people are setting up the Christmas tree while, "It's a Wonderful Life" spins in the CD player; Moms are teaching daughters the art of cookie baking; Dads are joining sons with hopes of watching their favorite college football team win a berth in a holiday bowl game. I wonder if anyone still strings pop corn.  Somewhere else, there are battles being fought in foreign lands while others are trying to rebuild after losing homes and loved ones during the tragic storm called, "Sandy."

***********

For some unexplained reason, I spot and hear oddities or coincidences that I am compelled to share.  Whether the "excitement" is shared or not depends upon reader mood.  I know SOMEbody reads them, because there are those willing to recommend something to do with couches.

Moving on...while watching a college football game, I noticed that Dustin Fox, current ABC commentator and former Ohio State defensive back, bears a resemblance to Joey Tribiani, from "Friends."  At any moment, I expected Dustin to utter the famous, "How YOU doin?"  Another birth separation is baseball announcer Ken Rosenthal and Pee Wee Herman...not to be outdone by the pairing of San Francisco Giant right fielder, Hunter Pence and comedian, Chris Elliott.

I'm drawn to reading the mini disclaimers at the bottom of teevee commercials.  Progressive Insurance displays a "no kidding" by telling us that, "Prices vary based on how you buy."  Okaaaay.  Not to be outdone, Ford shows a vehicle soaring off a cliff as the disclaimer informs us, "Professional driver, closed course, do not attempt, cars can't fly."  THANK YOU!!!  (WAY too many lawyers these days)

                                                                   ***********

What you don't see anymore: Burma Shave signs; Sign that cautions, "Quiet-Hospital Zone."  Remember when people would stick their tongue out when they disagreed with you?

I hope I'm wrong, but-----

If you think there's no control over the price of gasoline...If you think big brother isn't involved in the price of gasoline...Watch what happens to the price of gasoline after the election on Tuesday.

History shows, when tragedy strikes, as in the northeast, gasoline prices shoot skyward very quickly. As yet, they haven't. Someone might say they insisted on cooperation from refiners and suppliers so that folks who lost their homes could at least cook, stay warm and get to their jobs. That's a nice thought.

I filled my tank today at the probably soon to be forgotten price of $3.079 per gallon.

By the way, it's reported that the majority of the congress will be re-elected.   As Riley would say at the end of the old teevee show, "What a revoltin' development!"

Mothers Day Serenade

Even if you've not been a genetic Mom, it's a good bet that you've nurtured children in one fashion or another.
Please enjoy some of those thoughts that I've collected over time.....


Real Mothers don't eat quiche; They don't have time to make it.
Real Mothers know that their kitchen utensils are probably in the sandbox.
Real Mothers often have sticky floors, filthy ovens and happy kids.
Real Mothers know that dried play dough doesn't come out of carpets.
Real Mothers don't want to know what the vacuum just sucked up.
Real Mothers sometimes ask 'Why me?' and get their answer when a little voice says, 'Because I love you best.'
Real Mothers know that a child's growth is not measured by height or years or grade...
It is marked by the progression of Mama to Mommy to Mom to Mother....
**********
The Images of Mother
4 YEARS OF AGE - My Mommy can do anything,
She can fix nearly everything and that NEVER will change because she will ALWAYS try!!
THAT’S JUST THE WAY MOMS ARE!!
8 YEARS OF AGE - My Mom knows a lot! A whole lot!
12 YEARS OF AGE - My Mother doesn't really know quite everything.
14 YEARS OF AGE - Naturally, Mother doesn't know that, either.
16 YEARS OF AGE - Mother? She's hopelessly old-fashioned.
18 YEARS OF AGE - That old woman? She's way out of date!
25 YEARS OF AGE - Well, she might know a little bit about it!
35 YEARS OF AGE - Before we decide, let's get Mom's opinion.
45 YEARS OF AGE - Wonder what Mom would have thought about it?
65 YEARS OF AGE - Wish I could talk it over with Mom.
The beauty of a woman is not in the clothes she wears, the figure she carries, or the way she combs up her hair.  The beauty of a woman must be seen from in her eyes, because that is the doorway to her heart, the place where love resides.
The beauty of a woman is not in a facial mole, but true beauty in a woman is reflected in her soul.  It is the caring that she lovingly gives, the passion that she shows and the beauty of a woman with passing years only grows!
********
The good Lord has BLESSED us all with "our very own angel"
I called my angel "MATKA"
*************
Whether it's Ma, Mom, Mommy or Mother...Whether you have your own children or help raise the children of others...Whether you are a Mom to other than family or perhaps animals...The below is from one who knows about Moms. Althought THIS is Mother's Day, a Mom is needed EVERY day!
This is for those mothers...
Who have sat up all night with sick toddlers in their arms, wiping up barf laced with Oscar Meyer weiners and cherry Kool-Aid, saying, "It's okay honey, Mommy's here."
Who have sat in rocking chairs for hours on end ,soothing crying babies who couldn't be comforted.
Who came to work with spit-up in their hair, milk stains on their blouses and diapers in their purses.
Who run carpools, bake cookies and sew Hallowe'en costumes. And all the mothers who DON'T.
Who gave birth to babies they'll never see. And the mothers who took those babies and gave them homes.
Whose priceless art collections are hanging on their refrigerator doors.
Who froze their buns on metal bleachers at football or soccer games instead of watching from the warmth of their cars, so that when their kids asked, "Did you see me, Mom?" they could say, "Of course, I wouldn't have missed it for the world," and meant it.
Who yell at their kids in the grocery store and swat them in despair when they stomp their feet and scream for ice cream before dinner. And for all the mothers who count to ten instead, but realize how child abuse happens.
Who sat down with their children and explained all about making babies. And for all the grand mothers who wanted to, but just couldn't find the words.
Who go hungry, so their children can eat.
Who read "Goodnight, Moon" twice a night for a year. And then read it again. "Just one more time."
Who taught their children to tie their shoelaces before they started school. And for all the mothers who opted for Velcro instead.
Who teach their sons to cook and their daughters to sink a jump shot.
Whose head turns automatically when a little voice calls "Mom?" in a crowd, even though they know their own offspring are at home -- or even away at college.
Who sent their kids to school with stomach aches, assuring them they'd be just FINE once they got there, only to get calls from the school nurse an hour later asking them to please pick them up. Right away.
Whose children have gone astray, who can't find the words to reach them.
Who bite their lips until they bleed when their 14 year olds dye their hair green.
Of the victims of recent school shootings, and the m! others o f those who did the shooting.
Of the survivors, and the mothers who sat in front of their TVs in horror, hugging their child who just came home from school, safely.
Who taught their children to be peacful, and now pray that they come home safely from a war.
What makes a good Mother anyway?
Is it patience?
Compassion?
Broad hips?
The ability to nurse a baby, cook dinner, and sewa button on a shirt, all at the same time?
Or is it in her heart?
Is it the ache you feel when you watch your son or daughter disappear down the street, walking to school alone for the very first time?
The jolt that takes you from sleep to dread, from bed to crib at 2 A.M. to put your hand on the back of a sleeping baby?
The panic, years later, that comes again at 2 A.M. when you just want to hear their key in the door and know they are safe again in your home?
Or the need to flee from wherever you are and hug your child ! when you hear news of a fire, a car accident, a child dying?
The emotions of motherhood are universal and so our thoughts are for young mothers stumbling through diaper changes and sleep deprivation...
And mature mothers learning to let go.
For working mothers and stay-at-home mothers.
Single mothers and married mothers.
Mothers with money, mothers without.
This is for you all. For all of us.
Hang in there. In the end we can only do the best we can. Tell them every day that we love them. And pray.
"Home is what catches you when you fall - and we all fall."
Please pass this to a wonderful mother you know.
(I just did)
***********************
Answers given by 2nd grade school children to the following questions:
Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.
How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my Mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.
What ingredients are mothers made of ?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.
Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.
What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My Mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.
What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?
Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my Mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that Mom didn't have her thinking cap on.
Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.
What's the difference between moms & dads?
1. Moms work at work and work at home and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.
What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.
What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.
If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on the back of her head.

Invest Wisely Every Now and Zen

For many a year, I've not liked carrying change in my pocket. Upon getting home, I always toss the coins into a container of some sort. THIS year, it has been a thick plastic jar, of unknown origin, albeit quite clean, thank you! It no longer makes any sense to roll coins, because, if your bank resembles mine, they open the rolls and and empty them into a coin counter. Not feeling industrious enough to drive to my institute of higher(?) earning, I posted the following on craigslist.


"5-1/2" High X 5" diameter jar, filled with late model nickels, dimes, quarters and some half-dollars. It weighs approximately 10 pounds. Of late, it has become a burden to carry the container from one location to another. Swimming/Diving lessons begin soon and I'd rather not be burdened when that gets going. I am willing to sacrifice this collection for an equal weight of early or late USA Mint paper money. Denomination is not important. Wrinkles and folds are acceptable. Although not formally schooled in gold, I'd entertain trading for the same weight in that commodity and I suppose a mix of both would also be considered. Your offers must contain 100% legal goods. Counterfeit and photo copies not eligible. Phone numbers must be submitted for consideration. Spammers must show certification papers from a local, accredited psychiatric facility with legible signature of the director.

Things you see when you're not looking

Toss aside all panic regarding the Mayan calendar. It was announced several days ago that Levin Furniture is offering a sale, with no interest payment until 2017. (The man must have connections)

What the heck is in Cialis that causes a need to sit in a bath tub, deep in the forest?

If the car company advertises what they call a "Limited Editon," why are there so many of them?

Arrogant condescension: Sherrod Brown, when asked about commercials warning against Obamacare, "Oh, that's all just background noise." And, if memory serves, after the defeat of issue 5 in Ohio, he stated, "The vote doesn't really mean anything."

An anti Rick Santorum campaign ad stated that "He never ran a company, never ran a state..."
So...Rick wants to copy what we have NOW?!?

"I Stand Firmly On" Dept: Regarding Rap, If you can't whistle to, hum along with or line dance to it......IT AIN'T MUSIC!!!

What if? In order to recoup the huge amount of money spent in sex offense payoffs, I heard that the Vatican is considering its own line of cosmetics. Initial offering will be, "Embarass," a deep red shade of the brand to be known as, "Apostlelipstick."

Andy Rooney might have asked: "Why don't we have lower case numbers?"

Daylight Savings time starts tomorrow, the 11th. Remember to change the battery in your sundial. No adjusment necessary on the kitchen timer.

Sunny Sunday

If you're living in a 4 season area, DO enjoy the upcoming week of Indian Summer. Yup, the leaves completed their mission of quiet beauty and now hide your lawn. Before long, even that will be hidden by the softness of the fallen snow, as the earth begins its annual nap. You might want to dig out last year's bag of rock salt and slam dunk it several times to loosen the clump.

While you're in the garage making space for the car, please give a good thought to YOUR God for my buddy, Boomer, as he prepares to do battle with the big C. He needs to lower his white count before the chemo starts. Let's all cyber hand-hold to combine all the energy he needs for success.

As luck would have it dept: I forgot to turn back my smoke alarm and missed the okra carving contest at the A & P!!!